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#372 The Swimmer

Watched: November 4 2025

Director: Frank Perry, Sydney Pollack

Starring: Burt Lancaster, Janet Landgard, Janice Rule, Marge Champion, Joan Rivers, Nancy Cushman, House Jameson, Tony Bickley

Year: 1968

Runtime: 1h 35min

Welcome to the surreal world of The Swimmer. You’re in for quite a ride… Ned Merrill (Lancaster) is running around in his bathing suit in a gorgeous woodland, as people do. He drops by some old friends’ backyard and goes for a swim in their pool. The friends are hungover from the night before, and have not seen Ned for aaaaages. But they love him, and he’s such a great guy. While reminiscing with them, Ned has the brilliant idea to swim all the way home, by way of his neighbours’ pools which form a “river” the entire way. Off he goes!

But not without a drink in his hand. He’s not an animal.

As he makes his wet way towards his house he meets several old friends and acquaintances, but the vibe changes discernibly as he gets closer and closer to home. In the beginning, all the people he meets are old friends who clearly see him as a good guy, although they all get a bit weird whenever his wife or daughters are brought up. But as he gets closer to home, the people he encounters are increasingly hostile and keep hinting more and more to something that clearly has gone wrong in Ned’s life. Our “hero” also goes super sleazy with Julie (Landgard), a young girl who used to babysit for his kids. Things get gradually darker and weirder until he finally reaches “home.”

It starts off so innocently. Even bringing along his very young former babysitter seems wholesome at first. Until it’s not…

We had no idea what we were getting ourselves into, but we were hooked from the start. We loved how our view of Ned changed throughout the movie – from seeming to be a nice enough man (and just a little bit inappropriate with all the women he knew) in the beginning, to a creepy, cheating, horrible narcissist at the end.

This scene with his former mistress is the best depiction we’ve seen of a man completely unravelling when he finds out a woman has faked her orgasms. Actual quote: “You loved it. You loved it. We both loved it. YOU LOVED IT!” And she’s just there like “Sure, Jan.”

The Swimmer kept us questioning throughout, and we came up with about 271 theories on what was actually going on. What happened to his daughters? His wife? Is this a sort of “life flashing before his eyes” scenario? Are we in purgatory? Is he senile? Is this a portrayal of his gradual corruption and entitlement throughout his life told through a swimming pool voyage? ‘Twas a mystery wrapped in an enigma. In the end, things start coming together and some questions are answered, but we’re still not 100% sure what exactly we just watched. That being said, we loved it (actually loved it. It wasn’t just a man telling us we did).

Another bit of unravelling: at the first pools people find him quirky and charming for going around in his swim trunks at a clothed event. As he progresses, not so much…

Among our favourite things were the ’60s parties he kept crashing (such a vibe!), the Hallorans, the way we liked Ned less and less as we went along, his increasingly fragile ego and psyche, and the many mysteries hidden in the plot. Also, the beautiful scenery added to the film’s dreamlike quality which, granted, gradually descended into a nightmare. Watch it!

Preferably through a closed, rusted fence with an anguished look on your face as you gradually realise the reality of your existence and slowly descend into madness and despair. It’s what we did.

What we learned: Dude! No means NO!!!

MVP: The pools. Or, possibly, the narrative technique. Or Ned’s fragile male ego.

Next time: The Thomas Crown Affair (1968)

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#365 Planet of the Apes

Watched: August 13 2023

Director: Franklin J. Schaffner

Starring: Charlton Heston, Roddy McDowall, Kim Hunter, Maurice Evans, James Whitmore, James Daly, Linda Harrison, Robert Gunner, Jeff Burton

Year: 1968

Runtime: 1h 52min

Three astronauts crashland on an alien planet 2000 years after leaving earth. Luckily, hibernation pods have kept them from aging despite the years spent in deep space. Even more luckily, this random planet’s atmosphere is sufficiently earthlike for them to survive. That’s pretty much the end of their luck, though. They soon learn that a fourth crewmember, the only woman on board, did not survive the crash. In addition, their clothes are stolen and destroyed by what appear to be primitive human beings. And then the hunt begins…

Men. Absolutely no sense of danger or concept of personal safety. “Oh, look at us, stranded on an alien planet. Let’s abandon our things and go skinny dipping. I’m sure those life size Blair Witch monster thingies on the hill are completely harmless and not a bad omen of things to come. And while we’re at it, why don’t we eat this random fruit. La la la!” Please…

Gorillas on horseback raid the fields full of people, kill one of the survivors, Dodge (Burton), and capture the other two, Taylor and Landon (Heston and Gunner, respectively). Taylor is shot in the throat, impeding his speech, and then taken to a research facility in Ape City where he is made into a lab rat by intelligent chimpanzees Zira and Galen. It’s a world gone topsy-turvy!

“OK, since we’re both here, how about we propegate the species? It’s for the greater good, I assure you.”

Once the scientists discover that Taylor can talk, their entire world view changes. Perhaps human beings are not just savages after all, but capable of culture and reason? (They’re only about halfway right…) Soon, Taylor finds himself in the middle of an ape culture war. And Landon finds himself lobotomized.

It was either that or join a gorilla barbershop quartet. The choice was easy

The success of Planet of the Apes sparked a whole series of sequels, prequels and other -quels. And while many of them are worth watching (there are definite variations in quality), the original remains the best one, in our opinion. The score is great, the costumes, make-up, sets and landscapes are all very impressive, and the plot is compelling and intriguing.

The characters are fine as well, but again, as mentioned. who in their right minds would see these things, on an alien planet nonetheless, and then proceed to just frolic in the water?!? We question their judgment and the clearly lax screening process for becoming (fictional) astronauts in the sixties.

The first hunt is chaotic, brutal and shocking, as are several of the revelations throughout and the treatment our main character receives. Does Taylor make for a sympathetic protagonist? Well, not necessarily. He’s a bit of a cynical douchebag with seemingly no qualms about rape, for instance. Still, even he has some very good points to make about humanity and the society he left behind as well as the one in which he now finds himself. In addition, Heston had ridiculous presence on screen, which makes you root for him despite some of his character’s less desirable qualities…

Believe it or not, in this instance beastiality is a major positive step in his character development! (Discussion point: Is it still beastiality if the “beast” in question shares your level of intelligence and communication skills? Taylor’s so-called relationship with Nova, the mute and primitive human woman he “courts,” seems a lot more problematic than this one, for sure.)

We love horror and sci-fi as social commentary and (unfortunately) the themes in Planet of the Apes are still (or again?) current and relevant. The people in power, and pretty much everyone over a certain age, are conservative zealots who’d rather erase anything and anyone that do not support their world view than be open to changing their minds. Thank the gods we as human beings have moved on from this and are now governed by reason, compassion and altruism.

They would be so proud of us

What we learned: Religion has no place in science. Or in politics. Or in law making. In fact, like genitals, your own are best kept private until asked to share.

MVP: Zira

Next time: Pretty Poison (1968)